But how do you manage your first few post-separation Christmases? Take control and start planning!
If you’re separated or divorced, the commercialised seasonal cheer can really grate, and Christmas can feel like the most challenging time of the year. Feelings of sadness, loss, and loneliness can understandably take hold and overwhelm you, especially if this is your first Christmas after separation. And it’s not only Scrooge that’s visited by the ghost of Christmases past! While it’s hard not to look back on them, reminiscing about happier times adds to your grief and anxiety. Although these feelings can’t be magically erased, you can choose to improve your experience. So, finalise any co-parenting arrangements, embrace the change, and start planning some new traditions!
The key is to shift your perspective on Christmas so it becomes more than just a family occasion; it’s an opportunity for renewal and gratitude. It can be a moment to reflect on yourself as an individual and, if you have children, as a fortunate parent. Missing your children can lead to a deeper appreciation for them, and striving to be the best parent possible can give you a sense of control over the situation. Even if you’re sharing time with them, you can introduce new traditions and create fresh memories, such as a baking session or trying a different menu from the usual one (how about homemade curry for Boxing Day?), or maybe a Christmas Eve or New Year’s disco, or games night with prizes for teens and adults.
Dress in an outfit that makes you feel good, prepare some different meals, and plan enjoyable activities with your children (including adult ones) to strengthen family ties and uplift everyone's spirits. Consider the advantages of having the freedom to choose how you do things. Separation also provides an opportunity to reset and enhance your relationship with your children, and even spend more time with your parents and siblings. Avoid comparing or asking your children about their time with your ex, except to ensure they had a good time. If your ex spends more money on them, don't focus on it; heartfelt gifts are invisible but more valuable!
If you find yourself alone during some of this time and are dreading it, ask yourself why. You likely already know the reason, but try to delve deeper into your thoughts. Consider releasing your anger and resentment by journaling or writing a 'letter to your ex' that you keep private. You've spent many days alone before, so why should this time be any different? Could you view it as a chance to relax and focus on yourself? Or perhaps to connect with others, like a friend your spouse didn't approve of? You might even revive old friendships and plan drinks or online catch-ups, especially since people tend to be more open to invitations during this season.
If you're spending a day alone, make plans in advance. Consider baking or cooking something special for yourself, or treat yourself to the best food you can afford. I've experienced this myself one Boxing Day and managed by preparing good food, movies, and activities to keep myself occupied; I also bought gifts for myself. Purchase items for your solo day, such as a luxury shower gel, a new DVD or book(s), a Netflix or similar subscription, or perhaps a new journal for 2025, maybe for travel planning or as a reading journal. Arrange your options for the day so you're never at a loss for what to do. If budget is a concern, ask family for a gift in advance, prioritise spending on yourself, or shop at charity stores. View Christmas as an opportunity to recharge your energy and strengthen your emotional and physical well-being.
Alternative activities for the day include a country or coastal walk, or perhaps dining out for a Christmas meal—it's advisable to book in advance for this. Alternatively, consider something entirely different, like an early morning swim in the sea, which is said to release mood-enhancing endorphins, or a road trip in the UK—again, book ahead. Another option is volunteering for your local homeless shelter or Age UK charity during Christmas; this experience can offer a fresh perspective and foster gratitude. One of my male clients volunteered at a church on Christmas Day, serving meals to the homeless, and it became one of his most memorable and fulfilling Christmas experiences.
Make plans and focus on the future. If looking ahead is too difficult, focus on comforting yourself in the present and spend some time journaling. However, limit alcohol consumption since it's a depressant. Keep in mind that the best 'revenge' after a breakup is to move forward, live well, and cherish your independence!
Strategies for managing your new Christmas:
Treat it as a day and season for rejuvenating your energy and focusing on yourself.
Plan your days, pinpointing a specific time that might be challenging. Devise a strategy for managing that time, such as listening to the radio, a podcast, or TV on Christmas morning, taking a long shower or bath, making a phone call, going for a walk, or doing all of these activities!
Reach out to at least one person on your solitary day, even if you're not inclined to. Make a phone or video call, or ideally visit them, or enjoy a refreshing winter walk together.
Dress nicely and add some colour, even if you're in pyjamas. Eat something you truly enjoy.
Engage in or watch something you can't do when your kids are with you. Plan enjoyable activities for when they return.
If you've moved past the intense grief stage, dedicate part of the day to reflection. Don't deny or suppress all difficult feelings; instead, compartmentalise and handle them in a healthy manner.
Mentally prepare for seeing your ex by imagining yourself speaking to them calmly. When the moment arrives, imagine wearing a Teflon suit to maintain a functionally friendly and surface-level interaction, for everyone's benefit, especially your children. Remember, your children will be adjusting to the new arrangements, and the greatest gift you can offer them now is peace and love.
Wishing you strength and harmony in the upcoming season.
I offer coaching either as individual sessions or a monthly plan. Book a free call with me to discuss how I can help you.
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